


Where there is love, there is grief

by War_Disnei



Series: Star Wars Rebels [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Closeted, Crushes, Haiku, Imperial Officers (Star Wars), Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Lothal, Love at First Sight, M/M, Platonic Romance, Rebellion, Rebels, Sabezra - Freeform, Sacrifice, Thrawn's bodyguard, Tragic Romance, True Love, Unrequited Love, impossible love, selfless compassion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-10 16:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12302961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/War_Disnei/pseuds/War_Disnei
Summary: Jai knows his own heart. He also knows what he has to do.





	Where there is love, there is grief

**Author's Note:**

> Looking forward to seeing more of Jai Kell on SWR season 4!  
> (hopefully with a happy ending for everyone in canon ;-) )
> 
> *in this story, we get to know Ezra from Jai's perspective*
> 
> **reminder: Dev Morgan was Ezra's undercover name at the Imperial Academy on Lothal**

Jai remembered the first time he laid eyes on _him_.

He was at the Imperial Academy on Lothal. The first day of many more excruciating,  _lonely_ ones to come.

It felt like ages divided that period from the present, yet Jai held vivid memories of their initial encounter.

Yes. It happened on his first day as cadet Kell.

 _Cadet._ A title he used to crave. One he quickly learned to despise.

He had so been looking forward to his Imperial inception that the sensations of hopelessness he started experiencing once at the Academy disoriented him, at best.

 _"You are exceptionally gifted, my son"_ his mother would spur him when times got rough.

Sure, he did take his training seriously. Sure, he would not accept anything less than top-performance from himself. But he also missed the very mother who had pushed him into undertaking the glorious Imperial route in the first place - his _only family,_ his _only refuge_ \- and was struggling to adapt to an environment that was every bit as coldly de-humanizing as it was monumentally ambitious.

_"Climb your way up the Imperial ladder. Climb it, and nobody will dare questioning your worth"_

Having others question his worth was something Jai had always had to confront. Although intellectually gifted and physically agile, he had often been bullied for his…eccentricities. He was inquisitive, but he was also bubbly. He was exceptionally smart, but he was naïve. He was mature, but he was also delicate.

And then there were his _tendencies_. At 14, he was aware that he probably had yet to discover a _great deal more_ about himself than he already knew, still, he couldn't deny what he _already_ did know.

He couldn't deny that every time that fresh-out-of-training stormtrooper sergeant entered the room, his heart skipped a few beats.

He couldn’t deny the small pleasurable waves that ran through him whenever an attractive older boy made eye-contact with him.

He couldn’t deny his dreams, nor his unintentional but ever-increasing daydreams.

And he couldn’t deny that all this risked getting in the way of his advancement.

Peripheric, traditional Lothal wasn’t exactly renowned for being the most progressive of planets, mindset-wise. His estranged father’s family was a living proof of that. They already looked down on Jai’s mother enough as it was, with her having been bold enough to walk out of an abusive relationship and all. They considered her a black sheep, a screw up. Jai wouldn’t give them that… _satisfaction_ with regards to himself, as well.

He made up his mind he would control his nascent feelings, and focus solely on his academic work.

And then _he_ had walked in, brightening the room up with those luscious shiny locks and matching sapphire eyes.

 

_The rainbow stands_

_In a moment_

_As if you are here._

 

He self-assuredly walks in. He stops, with that air of shrewd confidence he always exudes. He is not tall, he is not buff like the young sergeant Jai fancies so much, but he is handsome in his own natural way. So much so that no sergeant whatsoever would ever compare.

The superintendent introduces him: cadets, here's Dev Morgan. _Dev_. His eyes _meet_ with Jai's, and in that very moment, the latter surrenders a piece of his heart forever.

As previously stated, Jai sure had crushed on other guys before. It had mostly been older, athletic or young strapping officers from the Academy he had never spoken with, and never would. Individuals who were above him, as if part of a fantasy world; males he could easily justify his attraction to as simple desire to emulate and idolize them.

But not this once. This once, it was different. This once, Jai's intuition told him he had found his other half, as irrational as his young logical brain thought this sounded.

As the days went by and Dev showed his sparkly true colors, Jai saw himself engaged in a constant battle against his shyness and awkwardness just to carry on a conversation with the blue-haired boy. It was astounding how improved Jai perceived his life to have become with Dev in it, yet how rapidly his self-confidence had plummeted as result of the self-questioning that had begun haunting him.

However, it didn't matter how much he stuttered, Dev would stick to him anyways, or even more, if anything. They sure had an undeniable chemistry, something unexplainable that they could both _feel_ , Jai was aware of that, a harmonious form of understanding having clicked between them right from the start. To Jai, Dev was the perfect definition of soulmate.

Dev, on his behalf, never did seem to waver, at least publicly. Around Jai, he was lightheartedly generous, goofy, witty, confident. Perhaps _too_ confident for his heart to be in the right place, Jai reasoned. This awareness was painful, yet it paradoxically propelled him to launch himself with renewed energy in his interactions with Dev, striving to impress him at all costs.

Zare had sharply noticed it all, kindly voicing his suspicions after some hesitation, seeking confirmation; Jai had denied, obviously.

Why risk being exposed when a – _any_ – meaningful development was impossible to begin with? Why open his heart for anyone to see – be it even his brave, nerdy friend Zare – when Dev would never reciprocate him in _that sense?_

The weeks Dev Morgan became a liberating constant in Jai’s life were also among the most complex ones he’d ever experienced. In the rare moments Dev was not around, Jai’s self-doubt, delusion and frustration ravaged him. Never would he have imagined crushing on a guy would be so mind-blowingly dramatic. Then again, this was no simple crush, at all.

Days went by, steps forward were made in the cadets' academic advancement.

As Jai experienced firsthand heartache in the form of Dev's betrayal during one of their drills (to add insult to the injury, drills were the moments the two bonded the most), between sobs and lonely tears he shed while locked in the refresher, he learned for the first time about the true meaning of selfless compassion. As much as he felt like demonizing Dev for his actions, he realized that he couldn't, successfully detaching Dev's persona from his own, a feat many adults fail to achieve in a lifetime.

Then, shortly thereafter, the cover up blow came, so did their escape and the journey on the Ghost.

In a whirlwind of spaceships, pony-tailed saber-wielding crew members and obnoxious droids, Jai saw his life being changed forever in the span of a few hours; by the time they had fetched his mother, Dev had turned into Ezra, a name Jai realized adorned his precious comrade with an air of mystique.

As chaos reverted to a semblance of order on the way to his new hideout planet, Jai's mind quit being obfuscated by fear, leaving him room to socialize and enjoy spending time with the true Ezra. Although very much ecstatic about having him around, it soon became evident that Ezra only had eyes for one Ghost crew member: Sabine Wren, the promising Mandalorian spitfire. The solo soldier with a broken wing. Brave, older, self-sufficient, mysteriously reserved, she seemed to exert a sort of hypnotic magnetism over Ezra, whose Force presence followed her every move like an enraptured butterfly, so much so that when the two boys finally parted ways, one thing had become clear to Jai: Ezra was not into him. He never would. Ezra was not gay. He was into _Sabine_.

Overcome by infinite sadness, Jai settled into his new life alongside his mother. That is, in a limbo. Forced to give up on his dreams of a better future, he settled for a meek lifestyle, where all he cared about was being a good son. Truthfully, his pain was great, so were his hopes of burying his feelings and leaving everything behind.

But one cannot deny true love. Once found, a soul mate cannot be thrown aside. Though, at times, two souls are not made to sail together the stormy seas of life anymore than they are meant to influence and elevate each other to Greatness.

 

_Dew evaporates_

_And all our world is dew…so dear,_

_So fresh, so fleeting._

 

Fast forward to the present day: Jai and Ezra are finally reunited. Well, not in the way Jai had always dreamed of (they were – once again – on a high-risk undercover mission, clad in Imperial armor), but it was a reunion, nonetheless.

War and instability had taken a toll on Jai. Still bright as ever, he was not an optimistic young man anymore. He was disillusioned, and felt like he’d aged far beyond his years.

Unlike Ezra, he felt there was no real future in store for him, not when the Empire was still in place. By the time it fell (if it ever did fall), then it would be _too late_ for him. His present was…grim, and stalling. His many talents had largely gone to waste during his years in hiding, and now he felt deprived of his energy. On the other hand, long hours spent in solitude had matured wisdom in him. After an initial phase of submissive fear, he’d hit the frustration stage, the hardest one of all, eventually outgrowing it and becoming more accepting of reality, of what he had no control over. Jai faced his own limits over and over again, earlier than most humans typically do. he had learnt how to coexist with them. He was not fighting anymore. Not for himself, at least.

He attempted to make himself useful from time to time, occasionally offering the scantily-equipped local rebel cell his help (and quite modestly at that, for fear of alarming his mother). It was during one of these missions that he first spotted the Ghost crew again, as they were stationed on that world.

They were up to something. Something of utmost importance. To free Lothal.

For the first time in years, Jai felt hopeful again. Perhaps it wasn’t over yet. He asked – no, _begged_ – the team and the larger Rebellion to include him in their plans.

And then there was Ezra. _Ezra_. For the first time in too long, Jai remembered how good it felt to be young. Breathing was something he once again enjoyed, as well as hearing the hooting of the convoree in a light blue sky.

It took no time for them to reconnect as if they’d never parted.

Ezra himself had aged as well, his aura now darker and not as carefree as he recalled. Sabine had now become a much more important figure in his life, their relationship having evolved on all levels seemingly. She even behaved as if she'd become more affectionate towards him. Once again, Jai experienced something he thought he’d grown immune to: jealousy and rejection. He was stoic, not unfeeling. Maturity was making it even harder to keep his own emotions at bay and respect Ezra’s boundaries, he acknowledged with a sour taste in his mouth.

As the mission unraveled, it became apparent that there would be no turning back. It was potentially fatal for everyone involved and the future of Lothal was at stake. They were wading the murky waters of Great Admiral Thrawn’s masterplan, a carefully laid out trap that could snap any moment. On top of that, they came to the undeniable conclusion that they were being _hunted_ by someone tricky: a hissing, beastlike lackey of uncanny perceptive abilities, an Imperial who was known as “Rukh” among the rebels, though if it were his actual name or a summarization of his throaty sounds, that was unclear. Unrelatedly, Rukh was as ruthless as his master.

As scary as the situation was, Jai seemed to have found a sort of balance. He was at peace most of the time, perhaps because he acknowledged they were in _real danger_ and there would be no fooling around this time. As cadets at the Imperial Academy, punishments used to be harsh, but everyone was entitled the benefit of a second, or third chance. _Not this time._ This time it was real.

Then, that fateful moment when someone’s death would prove _inevitable_ arrived. Quickly, quietly, like a silent disease, it revealed itself at the last minute, when trying to revert things back to a safer state would be too late.

However, only one member of the mission realized it: Jai.

He was lying in wait inside a military transport shuttle, Ezra out in the fields with his stormtrooper attire, Sabine on a small ship orbiting above their heads, when he saw it: Rukh’s modified TIE, ready to take a dive and launch a high-precision missile on top of Ezra’s – the Jedi – head. With barely moments to spare, Jai felt overcome by an indescribable, heart-wrenching fear: _“Oh no, Ezra!”_

Was it what loving someone that could be touched by the stroke of Death felt like? Then again, it wasn’t like _he_ himself wasn’t mortal. Exactly. That was the deal, precisely, Jai thought as he subconsciously turned the engines on.

 _“What are you doing, Jai? What about your mom?”_ a small voice inside his head restrained him

“I love him” Jai affirmed, tears in his eyes.

_“Of course you do. You fell asleep thinking about him countless nights, the only instances when you allowed romance into your repressed life. But let’s be real: does he love you back?”_

Jai squeezed his eyes, pain coursing through him. No, Ezra didn’t love him back. Why sacrifice his one precious life for the survival of someone who would never reciprocate him? Who wasn’t even aware of his feelings and of the rosy, sweet private world he reserved to thoughts of them together?

 _“Turn off the engines, Jai. There’s always Sabine who could sacrifice herself for Ezra, if she truly cares about him that much. Otherwise, he will deserve to die for his poor choice in_ love _”_

Jai, shaking, had almost turned the engines off when it hit him. _Love._ That was it. Love, not selfishness. Jai truly loved Ezra, he didn’t just love the idea of Ezra loving him back. Overcome by compassion, Jai realized that since his feelings were genuine, he would never want to see the object of Ezra’s desire, Sabine, dead.

Clenching his teeth, his eyes fixed on Rukh’s modified TIE, Jai pumped full power into the enginges and emptying his mind, filling himself with the best thing he’d ever felt in his lifetime – pure love – he rose in the air and sped right into Rukh's TIE, a second before the latter could release the missile and crash against Sabine's ship.

 

_The branch is broken_

  
_The storm raged beyond its strength_

  
_The trunk remains firm_

 

When a fire erupted in the sky with a bone-shattering BOOM, Ezra immediately raised his head, a terrible sensation getting hold of his senses. He saw Sabine's damaged ship landing with difficulty; not too far from that a cloud of toxic blackness. Last thing Ezra had known before the collision, Rukh was trying to frame him aboard his modified TIE. Apparently, it had exploded now, though Ezra had yet to fully figure out why.

"Sabine!" he called out to the girl, who was running to him with a blackened, dusty face.

"I'm fine" she replied, shocked.

"Sabine, we must leave this place, let's tell Ja-..."

Ezra turned his head around, expecting to see Jai in his shuttle, only thing was, Jai wasn't there. Panicking, a sudden, horrifying realization began creeping into his veins, when he caught sight of Sabine's grief-ridden expression.

Oh no. Jai!

He had sacrificed himself _so that he could live_. Knowing Jai and his natural - albeit repressed - enthusiasm for life, Ezra was sure that he'd done that for him, and not for such an abstract concept as "the Rebellion". Or even Lothal. Jai was no war hero. He was _his_ hero, and that both destroyed and filled Ezra with something warm he couldn't quite describe.

The young aspiring Jedi fell on his knees, tears rolling down his cheeks, wetting the arid ground. Confronting Jai's death also forced him to extrapolate what he really felt for Jai from the tangle of his stormy emotions. Painfully retracing everything they'd been through together, one thing surely emerged: the light Jai had infused him with was the one thing that kept him afloat. No matter the amount of rage that he felt rising from inside, he wouldn't waste it. Jai didn't deserve it.

 

 

 


End file.
